Sinking in...

It's starting to sink in that I won something (even if it was only second place).

My friend who owns the pole dance studio and regular dance studio that I go to (Megan Burroughs) was recently interviewed by a local newspaper. She explained that women come into her studio looking for the feeling of sexy. This struck me, probably cause I never asked myself if I was looking for the same thing. The answer.... yes, but not so directly. I look for it in knowing I'm what I am capable of.. physical, mentally, emotionally, not from the direct feeling of being desired. I feel sexy after I get tattooed. I feel it when I'm dancing, because I'm in control. And of course when I mak-out with my husband. It's great to know you're desired... putting lustful thoughts in a man, but I don't live off it. I think people who are facsinated by women in the adult industry because it's so uncommon for women in the 'real' world to be open sexually. Women for centuries have been told that we're not supposed to enjoy sex. Or talk about it. Or that our needs aren't paramount. A woman who is comfortable enough with herself to expose that part of herself is a big deal. I'm not saying that I am free of insecurities (believe I'm not) but I accept myself as a whole.... if not all the parts. Sex is healthy. Wanting it, being comfortable with it, expressing it is OK. That's part of the reason why I can do my job. The other part to that is that I am married. You might wonder, "Why would that help?" Because I'm not seeking approval from men, I have a husband who is man enough to let me be myself. That's powerful, and fulfilling. He doesn't hold me back.. he let's me dream my dreams, talk my big talk, plan my sometimes fantastical plans and smiles all the way... or maybe he's laughing at me.... at any rate, he let's me be. I love him more for it. No one else has ever encouraged me like he has. I hope he knows how much that means to be. I don't think any woman should go into any part of the adult industry if you're uncomfortable or highly insecure with yourself. Confidence is the sexiest thing you can have.

Vindication!

I took 2nd in my division (intermediate) in Utah's First Pole Dance and Fitness Competition. It's vindicating on so many level. I'm glad it's over, believe me. But it's nice to know that I'm not a complete screw-up at something. I feel like I've done something. I know that sounds crazy, but it does feel like something huge. I got to perform... oh god.. I got to be on stage and let the music move me like I've missed so much! After a few seconds I forgot there were judges and thought of nothing but telling the story I hear in a song. Amazing. And to place... mind blowing really. I was soo surprised. I was really thinking I was hearing things. I'll pictures soon... and hopefully a clip of my performance. I feel almost invincible! Ok I'm done for now.

Searching for ...

Some many woman are searching for something. Some think it's the perfect man, the dream job, or what have you. But what if you are looking for sexy? What if what you are looking for in confidence in yourself... can that be found or bought? Can it be learned? I am asking this because of the a few things I have experienced in the last few years, and then having it compounded over the past couple months. Your inner self is sexy, why hide that. If you love what you do and who you are, nothing can stop you. If someone says 'no, you can't', smile and state, 'watch me'.
I want to write more on this but I'm going to take sometime to consider how I want to break down each section of this thought.... Confidence = Sexy.

I live on tips

You know, TIPS.... To Insure Proper Service. So why do people come to my bar and make me work for nothing? No tips, they just get want a free show. I don't get paid just for showing up. Imagine you're boss coming up to you and saying, 'I want you to do your job, but I'm not going to pay you for it, I just want to watch.' And you are supposed to be okay with that. Yeah, you might know how I feel. I know money is tight, but that doesn't mean you should stiff anyone who makes their living of tips... from waitress to dancer, anywhere.

A little of my side

I recently watched an episode of The Tyra show that was about the adult industry. I know that my bar is an exception, not the rule in strip clubs I have this huge desire to tell my side of the story. I'm not quite sure where to start first. Utah laws are very different and so is my personal story. I know a lot of people's opinions about me will change in doing this, but I really don't care. I'm just want to break down some of stereo-typing. Cause I see your face in reaction to the job and see it reflected in so many others. Is this job for every one, no, absolutely not, but neither is being a dentist. What makes me different? I'm happily married and have been since December of 2004. I have never cheated on my husband in the near 4 years I've been dancing, and I won't. I don't do drugs, and I don't even drink enough to be considered a 'social' drinker. I am a mother to a 3 year old girl, whom I get to be home with all day, her dad is with her when I work or on the rare occasion my mom. I am an avid artist and crafter. I crochet, knit, sew, and more. I have modeled and worked as a TV extra. I don't go out partying all night. I live a very quiet life. This is a job, not a lifestyle. Unless you make it one. I speak for myself, but I don't believe I am alone in this. I feel that some if not all the girls I work with would love the chance to tell their side.

I am in Utah's First Pole Dance Competition (www.misspoledanceutah.com). Taking the pole back, since it was originally an acrobatic circus act, until a gentleman's club in the UK put a pole in as a novelty.

Utah laws are different and strict. There are NO lap dances or private rooms in alcohol serving bars. The patrons cannot touch a dancer. It is all stage work, and we are not fully topless. We are to wear pasties and there a minimum size requirement for t-backs, or thong underwear. No touching of the breast with open palms is allowed. Hands must be 3 inches away from the genitals. We have to be licensed, but all that means is that we are legal to operate as a dancer, we are not required to take anything off. It is illegal for us to drink on the job and since January 2009 smoking is prohibited in all Bars and Clubs. These are just some of the rules, I can't name them all. even though I have to be very aware of them.