Thinking and Thinking

I'm looking for inspiration. To find a way to make what I love all go together. I watched Randy Pausch's Last Lecture and it has me thinking. I want my cake and to clean the plate. I don't have all the pieces yet, but when I get them will I know how they fit? Or do I have them already and just can't find the edge and corner pieces to build inward. I don't have the answer.  This is of a more serious note since this is my current state of mind and I've been distracted with a lot of things for the last little while. I'm not always talking, but I'm always thinking.

Searching for ...

Some many woman are searching for something. Some think it's the perfect man, the dream job, or what have you. But what if you are looking for sexy? What if what you are looking for in confidence in yourself... can that be found or bought? Can it be learned? I am asking this because of the a few things I have experienced in the last few years, and then having it compounded over the past couple months. Your inner self is sexy, why hide that. If you love what you do and who you are, nothing can stop you. If someone says 'no, you can't', smile and state, 'watch me'.
I want to write more on this but I'm going to take sometime to consider how I want to break down each section of this thought.... Confidence = Sexy.

A little of my side

I recently watched an episode of The Tyra show that was about the adult industry. I know that my bar is an exception, not the rule in strip clubs I have this huge desire to tell my side of the story. I'm not quite sure where to start first. Utah laws are very different and so is my personal story. I know a lot of people's opinions about me will change in doing this, but I really don't care. I'm just want to break down some of stereo-typing. Cause I see your face in reaction to the job and see it reflected in so many others. Is this job for every one, no, absolutely not, but neither is being a dentist. What makes me different? I'm happily married and have been since December of 2004. I have never cheated on my husband in the near 4 years I've been dancing, and I won't. I don't do drugs, and I don't even drink enough to be considered a 'social' drinker. I am a mother to a 3 year old girl, whom I get to be home with all day, her dad is with her when I work or on the rare occasion my mom. I am an avid artist and crafter. I crochet, knit, sew, and more. I have modeled and worked as a TV extra. I don't go out partying all night. I live a very quiet life. This is a job, not a lifestyle. Unless you make it one. I speak for myself, but I don't believe I am alone in this. I feel that some if not all the girls I work with would love the chance to tell their side.

I am in Utah's First Pole Dance Competition (www.misspoledanceutah.com). Taking the pole back, since it was originally an acrobatic circus act, until a gentleman's club in the UK put a pole in as a novelty.

Utah laws are different and strict. There are NO lap dances or private rooms in alcohol serving bars. The patrons cannot touch a dancer. It is all stage work, and we are not fully topless. We are to wear pasties and there a minimum size requirement for t-backs, or thong underwear. No touching of the breast with open palms is allowed. Hands must be 3 inches away from the genitals. We have to be licensed, but all that means is that we are legal to operate as a dancer, we are not required to take anything off. It is illegal for us to drink on the job and since January 2009 smoking is prohibited in all Bars and Clubs. These are just some of the rules, I can't name them all. even though I have to be very aware of them.

Choices

• The world owes you NOTHING
  

I've given some thought recently to choices. And by that I mean accepting the choices we make. As an individual, the choices you make are completely your own. Every decision you have ever made has gotten you to this exact moment. Are you happy about that or not? If you are... great continue on. If not, then start making changes. History is not made by those who sit idly by or those who accept defeat before the fight has even begun. What cowardice to blame other for your life.



I'm not one to be on a soap box, but self-loathing is beneath everyone. I don't care who you are. That may sound arrogant, and it probably is, but in the small amount of life experience I have I've learned a few things. For instance, there are things that are beyond your control. How you react to those things is within your control, and as far as I'm concerned very telling. The trick is knowing the difference between what you can and can't change and doing what you can to get where you want to be. I wasn't happy, so I found things that did. Also, I'm doing what I can to do what I want full time (which is to be an artist, a dancer, a creative force... to reveal my passions for anyone willing to see)(yes that was a little dramatic, but that's how I feel right now) Back to my original topic.



Being responsible is another part of your choices. Be accountable for your actions and reactions. If you make a mistake you can always look back and say, "well, shit, I shouldn't have done that", then proceed to moving on. But then I tend to get past things rather quick. Life's too short, and I have better things to do.

To those of you who don't like what I said: Get off the high horse, it's back is sore.